Tuesday, March 27, 2012 at 10:10AM | Mark Scarbrough Stung
I've been debating whether to write this post for a while. Not sure it does much good. But maybe it needs to be written. If only so the words are on the page.
I want to start out with this: Bruce and I have a wonderful life, one I couldn't have dreamed I would ever live. After a long time in New York City together, we have a house in a very quiet New England town. We have made good friends up here and love the clear air, the peace that comes at night, when the owls sing us to sleep.
But lately, we've had some written assaults tossed at us, mostly because of our sexual orientation. Not by anyone we know, anyone who lives around us. I can say without a doubt that our town has been more welcoming than I could have believed. And indeed, I wish I could say these assaults were direct, face to face. Instead, they're snarky barbs online. The most public are in the amazon reader comments. And they've gotten a little out of control. Yes, we get the random email every few months from someone with an ax to grind. But the intensity and fervor have become more pronounced.
I suppose this is par for the course in a social-media age. People get to be mouthy in the open. When I was a kid (back before the crust of the earth hardened), they had to be content with being mouthy in the comforts of their own homes. Now they get to take it public.
So, yes, there's been an uptick in homophobic rants--and yes, they sting. As an example, some have come up about our goat book--you can see them here. And yes, I'll admit it: that book was without a doubt our most "out" book. There's lots in there about goat meat, milk, and cheese. But there's also stuff about our lives together. Nothing threatening, mind you. (Not sure what that would be, since apparently just being ourselves is threatening.) Instead, the writing in-between the recipes is about the day-to-day problems of a couple who share a single career, who write cookbooks together.
The snarky commenters generally blast a particular book because of alleged inaccuracies, then they go on to talk about what I have a hunch are their real issues: our personhoods. While I understand that almost all cookbooks have inadvertent inaccuracies, our goat book was vetted by several national goat associations, quite a few goat dairy farmers and cheesemakers who sell nationwide, several publicists who work with goat meat and goat cheese, and a couple of dyed-in-the-wool goat ranchers. I really don't think there's a factual problem, mostly because the online commenters don't specifically name any.
We noticed this problem first with our book REAL FOOD HAS CURVES, the seven-step plan to get the processed food out of your life. One commenter wrote on amazon--and I'm being generous here by making the remarks more straightforward than they were--that she couldn't understand how we could worry about healthy food when we were engaged in an unhealthy lifestyle. I don't know about her, but I haven't been to the doctor for even a head cold in several years; so I'm not exactly sure what's so unhealthy about my life.
I know you need a thick skin for this business. But I always assumed you needed it to deal with editors, publicists, and producers. I didn't know about the general public.
Writing is deeply engaged with your consciousness, particularly with those submerged bits of it--which get caught in a flimsy tissue called "words." You then try to make sense of it all through a dodgy and inaccurate form called "writing." I can imagine someone objecting to my abiding sense of the deep irony in the warp of the world or even at Bruce's at-times rather baroque recipes. But I have a hard time imagining someone posting something simply because of who we are.
Of course, I got teased a lot in junior high and high school. I don't imagine any gay kid in my generation survived without being verbally and even physically brutalized. I made it through by putting my head down, hiding bruises, tightening my lips, getting the best grades I could, and having very few friends. I hightailed it out of high school after my junior year without ever graduating and just went on to college--because I needed to.
Today, middle-aged, I feel that same reaction in me: put your head down, wait for it to go away. I wish I could be more like Dreydl in that picture: head up, alert. But it's not what I know. What I know is not smart. It's not classy. It's just survival.
I have a friend who says that anyone in the public eye is fair game, even people who post videos on youtube. If you put yourself out there, expect to be ridiculed. I'd like to think that's not the case. But as William Faulkner pointed out in THE HAMLET, hope is the most profound of the human indignities.
Reader Comments (34)
I keep hoping that we, as a society, will get past all of that nonsense. I do believe that we have made some progress, but I guess we still have a long ways to go. I don't think I'll go over and read the comments on Amazon; this post has made me sad enough without adding to my disgust. I really don't know what to say, it just is so disheartening to me that you should have to deal with such ugliness.
Hi,
I love your blog. I love your coobooks, especially the candy book. I met you and Bruce one year at the Colebrook Christmas Fair and I thought you were awesome. I still do, which is why I read your blog.
I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry. The world has come a long way but sometimes people still suck. The best thing we can do is recognize that these people are ignorant, and cowards, and try to afford them as little space in our hearts and heads as possible.
xoxo
Thanks, you guys. It's hard to write about this stuff without playing the victim card. But I don't feel I have to play. I don't want to whine--I just want to face what is and stare it down. There's a Galway Kinnell poem that I love, called "Prayer." It goes like this:
Whatever happens.
Whatever is is is what
I want. Only that. But that.
M.
First, I would like nothing more than to jump into the car, race up to the glorious home that you and Bruce have made together, and give you a hug. Then I would cook for you while you bundle up on the sofa with your honey and your pooch.
Second, as someone who knows you, I can say this, unequivocally: you're kind men, smart men, settled men, whose love for each other is reflected in the love and joy you exhibit when you share your lives ---- at the table and otherwise --- with others. You're also often hilarious men, which means (to me, anyway) that somewhere back there, behind the goats and the knives and the local food and the ever-so-slight snark that bubbles to the surface sometimes, is worry and ache. And honestly, when you're in the public eye and you're out, there's a lot to worry about. My book, which is a narrative that recounts my relationship with Susan and how it changed the way I think about food, will get ripped to shreds by the lunatics. Maybe I'll have to have an alarm system installed. Maybe I won't. Either way, I'll likely want to keep my head down, but that probably won't do. I'm not sure how I'll respond.
Anyway: I'd like to say f**k the bastards. But that doesn't help you, or ease the soul gnaw. Your readers, except for the crazies, love you, as do your friends. Who needs the crazies?
xxxx
Take heart- for every naysayer there are a thousand (a million!) "yaysayer"s (like my word?). I struggle with the online manners situation. On the one hand, If you can't say something nice... But on the other, while I'm often appalled at the lengths people are willing to go to to malign those of us who they consider sinners, I like knowing equivocally that they are out there, and as such, our work is not done, not by a long shot. While I'm not gay, I'm about as outspoken as they come in terms of publicly sharing my beliefs. I get several emails, tweets, blog comments a month letting me know just where I can shove my big ol' liberal mouth. Last fall I got a death threat (against both myself and my 3 year old!) for being pro gay marriage, not vegan, and having the audacity to humanely kill what I eat. I reported it to the authorities and that person received a warning from the FBI. There will always be more awareness to raise, and people like you and Bruce are doing a great job of it by just being you. I know how hard it is to let the acid rain slide off your back, but it's the only way. All the best, Linda.
I'm so glad that I read this Mark. I have loved your blog and reading about ALL of the personal bits we call life. I admire the courage of ANYONE who writes from the heart. Mean people live confined within their own hatred and torment, but it is hard to remember that at times. I hope that you find release in this article, in writing it and putting it out there. I really hope that it doesn't slow you down or make you pause and reconsider anything you're doing. You need to be shared with us, you are beautiful, both you and Bruce are; thank you for living outloud.
You both are a CLASS act---wonderful human men who have family and lots and lots of friends who love you. I find that a lot of the anger that is directed toward people is simply jealously. You are handsome men with great personalities and talent --don't put your head down--keep it up and ignore the ignorant. Hugs
Hi Mark. I'm so sorry that this article is my introduction to you guys. My blogging friend commented on your facebook link and I followed the comment to you. I'm always finding new people to read that way.
I am also very sorry and saddened to hear about what's happening to you and Bruce. So, so sorry. Two of my closest friends are lesbians. They've been together 16 years and have two beautiful, wonderful children who are our daughter's best friends. I look at them and see a relationship that is richer and has far outlasted many of my hetero friends; friends who have no problem looking down their noses at homosexuality. And I don't understand. I think the Bible says an awful lot about gossip, meanness and being unkind Funny how folks tend to forget that.
Anyhow, I need to wander through your site a bit and read some of your happier things. I saw something about lemons, hazelnuts and biscotti. Yum!
Mark, I am so sorry that people have felt the need to be so hateful towards you and Bruce. Unfortunately, the internet does allow the trolls to come out from underneath their bridges and speak. Sending hugs to you, Bruce and Dreydl.
Mark & Bruce,
I love you guys so much! I am so proud to be related to both of you (sister-in-law). I am proud of both of you and all you do. It's sad that people can't just love one another and not judge.
Love you, Jen
Mark and Bruce....it is too sad to read about the ignorant and hateful things some people feel a compulsion to post. I do empathize with how hurtful they are. You and Bruce are so loved, so loving, so talented and engaging, so generous, and so genuine. There are very many who love and support you, and whose hearts ache when yours do. Just keep leaning into justice, and leaning on all who offer their love and support. There are a lot of us! Judy
For every ignorant idiot out there, I hope there are hundreds of supportive, non-judgemental readers that love your blog and books as much as I do.
Sending you guys love from Charlotte, NC. Keeping on writing and living your life and ignore the a-holes! I read a lot of food blogs and often don't leave comments, but maybe I should so the good outweighs the bad.
So, if this is all a ploy to get people to buy your goat book, it worked. I just bought one and I'm sure my partner of 20 years will enjoy all the great recipes. We will discuss the recipes, our memories of traveling in morocco and enjoying our first goat meat there and laugh about how they have historically produced argon oil that is such the cosmetic rage now but is much better on salads. We will remember the time my kitchen was overflowing with every different kinds of candy I made for your spot on QVC -- not to mention the ice cream and then the brownies which went on to become a classic entertaining dessert theme at our house for years as a brownie bar -- guests love the cayenne ones. We will comment how many times we turn to your books to learn something new in the kitchen and now we will thank you for teaching us about way more than food. And we will probably offer our precious dogs a bite of our goat-themed meal and be thankful for everything you and Bruce do. Don't change and keep writing about what makes you happy.
I have been reading your work (with great pleasure) since I discovered you two via Eating Well, and I think the counterweight to the inevitable ignorance of some readers should be the knowledge that so many people find your lives inspiring and beautiful. I count myself among the latter, so please focus on us, not them. Easier said than done, I know.
Shame on people for their behavior. On the other hand, if it hadn't happened, you might not have posted this beautiful piece - and I would not have discovered you. Thank you for this gift.
Throw my support into the mix! I absolutely adore Real Food has Curves, especially because of your commentary/stories. Your book is helping me heal a hugely dysfunctional relationship with food. I find you knowledgeable, trustworthy, and engaging (though my chocolate pudding never seems to "puddify").
As for your post, I have been teaching high school for a few years, and I feel confident that in about ten years, things will look a lot different than they do now. The majority of my students are caring and supportive of equal rights for all. Once they can vote, I am hoping some things will change. There will still be nasty people online, but that has become a certainty along with death and taxes.
On a final note, on the off chance that Santorum is elected, can we all promise to leave? I hear Denmark is the happiest place on Earth!
I am sorry to hear this. Truly. I think that now that there are so many outlets to write, video, chat, facebook, etc., that people feel that they can say whatever they want, however hurtful it is. Anytime/anyplace. There is a rush to "speak" when there should be a rush to do the right thing. We have lost the art of the ethical high ground. By ethics, I mean right intention, wise words or wise speech. As our media is full of wise-cracking, insult-slinging commentary night and day, it naturally spills over into the population. I wish people would think first, think second and think again, before saying anything, and as my mother used to say when I was a child, "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." I still stand by this rule. Now I have added, judge no one.
Mark, as one of your other commenters mentioned, I also happened upon this post through Facebook as my first introduction to you. It saddens and frustrates me that people can be so nasty. I am so glad that there are people like you that share their lives, it is not easy to do regardless of how you live your life. Kudos for you for holding your head high. It would anger me and simultaneously break my heart to hear/read horrible things about who I am, because (unfortunately) I DO care about what other people think (which is probably why I blog). You have a new follower now!
I'm sorry that you are a victim of such ignorance. I have several of your books and love them.
I love all of the good things the internet has made possible, but it truly confounds me that people take time out of their day to write hateful and harassing comments virtually everywhere they're given an opportunity. I know it's hard to ignore them, but letting them hurt you gives them power, so don't give them the pleasure.
A life well lived is the best revenge.
I can't thank each and every one of you enough for responding to this post. I wrote from a place of great sadness, not really anger, and not exactly fear, but more an abiding misery that the world has to be the way the world has to be.
But thanks to your replies, that place has turned into something much more profound than sadness. I seem to be in a quoting mood, but I'm now thinking of Emily Dickinson, her poem #959, the third stanza:
M.
HI Mark,
I just discovered your blog today. I've been working my way through "Cooking Know-How" and I really love the book. It's my new favorite cookbook-which-isn't-about-cookies.
I've lived in a lot of places, both within and without the US, and it seems to me that everyone in the world has their own set of prejudices. Very often we don't even recognize them as prejudices until we step out of our familiar world and journey into another. The best we can hope to do, I suppose, is try to deal with them in the most positive way we can when we find them. Not all people are good at this. Perhaps it's more truthful to say 'not many' rather than 'not all'.
It's painful when people don't like you because you don't live up to their expectations. But it's even more painful facing ourselves when we don't live up to our own expectations. Keep doing what you love and keep loving the way you want to. Your book has made a positive impact in my life and I thank you.
Dean
I came out of lurking because you have, thankfully and sadly painfully, reminded me that it is important to tell people when they have moved you, infinitely more so than when they have offended you.
Try not to let the ignorant bigots get to you. There is nothing wrong with you, your partner, your life, or your books and indeed much that is right and wonderful. I came via serious eats because I enjoyed your writing, the careful and yet conscious mentions of your life together, and I am very much happier for it.
Perhaps this point is in itself marked with "othering", but I just wanted to add that I very much enjoy foodie/life writing from a non-straight couple because it reminds me that the world isn't just straight and it serves as a potent reminder that "it does get better". I get a little cross-eyed at how the majority of food blogs are filled with (lovely) hetero-normative people and it's nice to see other lifestyles.
I'm very sorry this is happening to you and Bruce, Mark. It seems that fear and ignorance will always be a part of the human condition. We cannot change someone else but only look more deeply into our own hidden places. Reading this makes me ask myself where I am also intolerant, self-righteous, unloving, and condemning. Freedom comes with looking deeply and not rejecting any aspect of what we find in ourselves. Then perhaps we can understand and have compassion for those who are still trapped in ignorance and all the misery that it brings. ,,,Susan
I just found your blog through "Will Write For Food"'s latest article ("Spokesperson Work...") which led me immediately to the Bruce Knits section (I knit newborn baby hats), then here. It is truly sad that people feel the need to put down another human based on their sexuality or that people need to put so much emphasis on it instead of the beauty of the work of a human being. In my opinion, those people are shallow and unhappy in their own lives, hiding behind a computer screen and instigating hate. I know it's easy to say "ignore them", but sometimes words really do sting for quite some time.